Sunday, June 19, 2022

"Damn Daniel, back at it with the white Vans!"

Fuck this blog.

But, I guess, you might need some backstory.

So, since last writing in this blog (almost six years ago!), I've done all the major things that compose and create the standard life.

Got closer to my family during Covid. Super thankful for.
-I fell in love, moved to Seattle for a little while, and experienced a relationship that was good and simply ran its course.
-I deepened some friendships/relationships, made a lot of new friends, while others faded at the same time.
-I hiked. Like a lot.
-Got a fish and named it "Rise Up Lights".
-Published a podcast of sorts that kinda got abandoned.
-Got better at my job and took on more responsibilities. Started moving toward getting my own private practice.
-Did a lot of cool things in between all the above.

With me so far? I mean, it's all pretty good, right? And, in fact, it's been quite an adventure since that last entry. I can't complain much - I'm still very much in love with life and the people and adventures it has thrown my way.

But there's one, tiny, small, almost-not-even-there thing I have not done though in these past 6 years.

I have not looked at this blog.

I have done absolutely, positively, everything I could to ignore it.  I consciously put this blog in the back of my head and forced myself to push it away as far as far could be.

I legit, no joke, couldn't even remember the name of this blog to even add this entry! I had to ask an old friend to help me find it again. That's how far removed I have put this blog. (And I'm super proud of the writing here. It has nothing to do with not liking it.)

Other things I stopped doing?
-I stopped checking in with all the friends I met while traveling (well, minus my goat-punching friend Lakpa who still calls me on a weekly basis!). 
-I stopped watching shows about travel. I stopped reading any books related to travel. I stopped...well, you get the point.

All of it reminded me that there was a time in my life that I didn't give a shit about a "normal life" and put my life in a 70-liter backpack and actively experienced the world around me.

But, so what?

Plenty of people do this. They grow up, they lay down roots, and move on with life. 

But, here's the deal. And it's big.

I was enthralled with travel. With the adventure of the unknown. With meeting and being intimately tied with travelers doing the same thing.

If you're super bored and have some time to burn, read through the last couple entries of this blog (especially this one) and you'll see someone absolutely smitten over the world of the unknown. Someone who is so optimistic about the adventure of life that it's almost nauseating.

And, then, like that, that man? Poof. Gone. Radio silence.

Radio silence to the blog. To the friends I made along the way. To new friends about the adventures I had experienced.

Just static on the screen.

So, the blunt question of this blog entry: What the hell happened?

I've been quite happy, to be honest (my friends would say I rarely am otherwise). And, I'd be lying to say I haven't traveled (I went to Bolivia and Canada and went on countless trips with friends with destinations known and unknown) and been having a blast with my sister and friends and family.

But these last few years, I've been missing something. Something this blog touched on and really dug into. Something I consciously knew was always lingering on the outskirts of my mind. This blog became almost like some kind of forbidden fruit. I was scared I'd re-read it and go, "I was THIS happy? I have proof that I went head-on towards the things that scared me?"

In short? I had become complacent with my life and I was scared that when I read this blog again, I would have to confront that.

But, guess what suckers! I did it! I re-opened the Pandora's box and everything has spilled over and has completely overtaken me.

I bought a random ticket to Iceland and I'm going in a few weeks.

Complacent? Screw that. I'm going back into the unknown. And I've been absolutely giddy since.

My job, my relationships, my day-to-day - the last 6 years have had plenty of ups and downs, but I buried a giant piece of myself to be someone I wasn't

I'm not blaming my long-term relationship with my ex at all. We loved each other the whole way and we just happened to find that we were two different people along that way, with different dreams and different life paths. But in that relationship, I feel a little like I was pretending to be someone I wasn't (this all me-created by the way). And then it ended and I just kept on pretending.

Or, maybe I wasn't pretending really.

I still want all that. I want roots. I want a loving relationship. I wanted all that then and still want that now.

But, I guess it comes down to being selfish. I want my cake and I want to eat it, too.

I want to be able to travel the world at the same time of all the above. I want to be an explorer. Doesn't even need to be a ton, but it has to be a part of my life in all the ways it hasn't been these past few years. One day I'll find the girl that will travel along with me when the itch becomes too big to scratch. Then we'll head back home, live the day-to-day while always planning that next escape and that next adventure.

That's how I want to live.

That's how I NEED to live. And I wasn't living that.
Until then, solo me needs to explore in order to continue growing.

But, enough about me.

This blog is about YOU, the reader, too.

I want to write to tell you that it's okay if you feel stuck. If you feel, like me, that nagging in the back of your skull saying something is missing.

Take a breath.

And face that nagging feeling head on. However scary. However world-changing.

Caveat: I'm not saying quit your job, divorce your partner, and say screw it all and just go travel and hike. No, I'm much too old to not encourage thinking something through. Think it through, do the financials, have the talks with the necessary parties. Plan it out. Be smart about it. But whatever you need to do, do it.
Just don't wait. You only have so long on this planet. 
Do what absolutely scares you. 

My fear was this blog. But I did it. I read through it all. I let the old me tell the new me what is up.

So, fuck this blog.

I re-discovered it and I can't ever look away again.

Expect more adventures to follow. 

Thanks for coming along with me, friends. I'll see you soon.